Day 55 part 3- a new mission

I am embarking on a new mission to get my life back. This will involve 4 different aspects that will need to be worked on parallelly.

1. Fat to fit- I need to get back in shape. Not because of social pressure as much as my desperate need to reduce the number of things holding me back. Also being fit will probably give me more energy, something I currently have at short supply.

2. Lame to fame- I’ve been so busy worrying about what others think about me that I don’t attempt half the things I want to because of my fear of failure. I used to live inside my head when I was younger. That kept all the good things people said away but then it kept me away from their contagious negativity too. So I shall now find a mid way between the two and venture out into the real world. Try my hand at life.

3. Impressively express- I realised that i used to write or sing or cook to get appreciation. Fueled by my under confidence, my need for a Kudos grew monumentally with my age. Enough. I shall write, read, sing, dance, cook, or whatever else to express what I want. Coz impressive or otherwise I want share my story.

4. Confidence- I desperately need this. The confidence to cook for others, eat in front of others, sleep in the presence of others (ironic since that’s the only time I feel safe enough to sleep), try writing the book I’ve been meaning to, wear the clothes that I crave to wear, go shopping for clothes, everything! I need confidence. So before I burst out into a song like in Sound for music… I need confidence in confidence alone. Besides which you see I need confidence in me!

I need to get on my mission mode and start working on these things because like I provedd today, poke at a good thing for long enough and you will find something that irks you. So without further ado, let’s trug along folks.

Day 55 part 2- Flippant moods

All set for a call with A. We spend a few mins coochie cooing and in happiness. He pampers my inner panda and all is well with the world.

Few mins later he acts surprised about our dinner date. And while I try explaining something to him, he is unable to hear. And that is enough for my mood to switch. I act normal but feel very very sad, low and irritated.

He understands and talks me through it. And I take the effort to not think in the disorderly way my mind works and understand and evolve.

In 5 mins, with my spirits back on track, we continue talking.

I love him for helping me understand and figure this out. I worry about the time he won’t be able to or interested in. I want to do this to myself… This thought correction. I was able to last year which is why I stopped medication and therapy. But now after a year of dealing with baggage and maintaining a relationship alongside it, I’m tired. And without my effort, I’m back to these insensible thoughts.

Should work on it again. Should prioritize again. Thank you world, thank you A. A Thanksgiving message is long overdue. 🙂

Day 55 part 1- The cleanse

Today I woke up and after a quick chat with A, cleaned up the house thoroughly and cooked food. I went shopping and stocked up the house with things I can eat on an emergency day. Junk, mood elevators like chocolate and easy to eat things like corn flakes and sandwich spreads.

C was still out at her cousin’s place and returned only in the afternoon. Once she was back, I went over with what I had prepared and she made a mixed veg curry to go with it. And we spoke.

About how I still blush when R is mentioned. How it’s an insult to him if I don’t move on. How I’m being unfair to both A and R by being like this.

I explained to her that I am aware but don’t know what to do. How to move on. I don’t want to be like this. I love R and I’m not in love with him. I just don’t know how to.

I also can’t believe or understand why I’m this lucky. To have met 2 people in my life that I love so dearly. To have friends who care. It doesn’t feel fair that life is so easy for me when so many others suffer. I understand I’ve had my share of troubles but they seem more fair than this bubble of Good luck.

After hours of talking about all that and her job prospects post the tourism season in goa, I’m now back home. Will rest for a bit and then have date night with A. My dinner, his breakfast. We plan to video chat and then talk for ever. He wants to discuss Sundar mama. 😦

Why does he care? Why am I so lucky? Why is everything so easy?

I can’t help but fear that this is all going to lead to some horrible sad news. So much for being non superstitious!

Day 54 part 4- Flip side

So instead of debating and arguing with myself, I spoke to A and explained everything to him. He understood and said that once I get some sleep and I’m up tomorrow morning, we’ll talk and deal with it together. I couldn’t regain composure immediately so continued talking about him for a while before I calmed down.

I then pinged my cousin and told her how I’m not ready to deal yet so to not talk about his death to me repeatedly. She not just understood but we ended up sharing and bonding over several things including our unhealthy obsession with pandas.

Now I’m feeling happy and content. With how I handled the situation and just in general.

Rapid cycling or satisfaction because of what I did, either way I’m happy. And will enjoy the hell out of this happiness 🙂

Day 54 part 3- Pile on

So after fighting a terrible migraine for hours when I couldn’t fall asleep, I realised that it’s my body crying for attention. After days of no sleep when I ignored the one day when I got sleep, my body couldn’t take it anymore.

So I forced myself out of bed, where all I was doing was trying to dull out the random sounds that had accentuated itself before reaching my ears. I made myself a sandwich and some hot tea to force it down. And despite my good senses, I ate. Then I tried relaxing my brain from any activity. Tried calming down by talking to myself and concentrating on breathing. And finally fell asleep for an hour.

I woke up without a headache and went to sit in the loo. It’s a place where I feel safe and comfortable. After a while of responding to people on chat, since I’d switched off everything to not get distracted, I was coochie cooing with A and i asked him for a gift.

Asked, because the last time he tried I blew my lid. Was pissed off coz his gift was expensive and beyond my affordability. I used to do the same thing with R.

I like the whole gift giving-pampering indulgence but I also grudge it. Given my financial situation, I want all money interactions to make sense, serve purpose. But it’s not my money. It’s theirs. Which they are spending how they want. Then what’s my problem?

I want a gift. But I also want what I want. Instead of being thankful for the fact that I’ve someone who wants to give me something.

Instead of mulling over this alone, I shared it with A, given our new complete honestly policy and then I started crying.

The rapid fluctuations or Ultradian rapid cycling, like someone pointed out, hasn’t gone away. Neither has the trigger for it since I’m not dealing with the death right now. Today my dad’s msgs with those pics and my cousins speaking about him probably rekindled memories and emotions. But I’m crying in the loo, while already dehydrated, about gifting policies.

Just another day of piling on and dishonesty. Kudos to maturity!!