Day 61 part 2- Work or sleep?

So after I lay down at 3 to sleep, I just couldn’t fall asleep. I was resting but my mind was wrecking havoc.

So I decided that instead of wasting time and not falling asleep, I would do things. Whatever I felt like. Till I became tired enough to crash.

So I read blogs, wrote 2 chapters for a new book/story, played game, spoke to A between his meetings and finally at 7am fell asleep.

Up since 9. Will try to breathe and sleep some more lest I crash tonight.

Aim is to moderate this mania to be as productive as possible. 

Day 55 part 3- a new mission

I am embarking on a new mission to get my life back. This will involve 4 different aspects that will need to be worked on parallelly.

1. Fat to fit- I need to get back in shape. Not because of social pressure as much as my desperate need to reduce the number of things holding me back. Also being fit will probably give me more energy, something I currently have at short supply.

2. Lame to fame- I’ve been so busy worrying about what others think about me that I don’t attempt half the things I want to because of my fear of failure. I used to live inside my head when I was younger. That kept all the good things people said away but then it kept me away from their contagious negativity too. So I shall now find a mid way between the two and venture out into the real world. Try my hand at life.

3. Impressively express- I realised that i used to write or sing or cook to get appreciation. Fueled by my under confidence, my need for a Kudos grew monumentally with my age. Enough. I shall write, read, sing, dance, cook, or whatever else to express what I want. Coz impressive or otherwise I want share my story.

4. Confidence- I desperately need this. The confidence to cook for others, eat in front of others, sleep in the presence of others (ironic since that’s the only time I feel safe enough to sleep), try writing the book I’ve been meaning to, wear the clothes that I crave to wear, go shopping for clothes, everything! I need confidence. So before I burst out into a song like in Sound for music… I need confidence in confidence alone. Besides which you see I need confidence in me!

I need to get on my mission mode and start working on these things because like I provedd today, poke at a good thing for long enough and you will find something that irks you. So without further ado, let’s trug along folks.

Day 52- Return to Goa

So, after a 3 week long break from my Great Goan adventure, I’m leaving once to finish the journey I started. Despite the fatigue from days of not sleeping, I’m heading back tonight.

To ride, to cook, to walk, to write, to feel, to experience, to breathe, to live.

This break made me realise what all I still have to work on. My dysfunctional thoughts, my desperate neediness, my social phobias hidden by my fake personality, my insecurities… I need to work on all those. Need to work towards being a confident, content, sorted human being. What I once was 🙂

Goa… here I come!

Day 19- Pedro’s Palace

Today after days of barely getting any sleep, I crashed around 5am. Slept till late afternoon. Disturbed sleep with weird dreams but I slept. 

After waking up I cooked lunch, washed clothes, cleaned up and went with C to the cafe to start working on my book and finish cafe painting work.

After a couple of hours of listening to music and staring at a blank screen I decided to move on to the painting work. We sandpapered the benches and tables and applied wood primer while chatting and singing along with lame hindi songs from our childhood. It was fun and light. Then we precariously balanced dismantled parts of a shelf on our bikes and returned home.

Though I was dirty and dusty and unclean, I decided to ride around instead of sitting at home. I bought provisions so that I could cook later and rode around. Even went to my favourite fountain hang out and relaxed. The sound of water, frogs croaking, the peace of mind seeing the water rise and fall repeatedly usually relaxes me. Today was different. It relaxed me but didn’t cheer me up.

I wasn’t sad or upset… just low. C pinged then saying she was hungry and wanted to grab a Ros omelette from our usual stall. So I headed there and placed our usual order. The owners chitchatted for a bit and then C and I ate. Later she was still hungry and wanted to go to a proper restaurant and eat something… I agreed to go along but without changing. If I’d gone home, I’d not have left. I know that. No matter how much she thinks she can force me… I’d have resisted and then been irritated.

So we went to the restaurant in whatever condition I was. For a usually always well dressed pushover person, C was quite surprised with my behaviour. 

Enroute there is a house we pass that doesn’t partake in the Goan tourism much. But their uniqueness has made them quite popular. A landmark even. Nestled away in a cove of trees with fields all around it, this huge bright purple house has bright fluorescent pink lights on the walls called Pedro’s Palace.

I used to not care what anyone thought. Not because I didn’t care or had amazing self confidence. But because I wasn’t aware. I used to always live in my head. I was very interesting company for myself and I enjoyed it.

After my first boy friend, I progressively realised how detached that made me and kept changing. But that also made me aware of what other people thought about me. So then I started changing those things that I started believing needed work on. So on and so forth till I’m nothing like I used to be.

My partner wants me to find myself. Again. Be who I used to be. Be me. Not this socially conditioned version of me.

It sounds awesome. But the real me lives in my head. Leads life with an amazing background score. Is always upto myself.

I’m not different, like the sober blue house that stands in contrast to the green fields around it that looks gorgeous. I’m the bright purple Pedro’s palace with pink lights that you’ll love or hate but can’t ignore.

I sincerely hope he knows what he is asking of me. Coz I don’t think there will be a second social conditioning that I’ll be up for.

Day 9- Saturday’s silver lining

Today I woke up a mess. Was still hyper. Still worked up. Still wanting to fight or crash so that this phase would pass and I could move on. 

I decided not to indulge myself and switch off my phone till I knew I had a better grasp over my behaviour.

Last night I was unreasonable and stupid and worried and very very worked up. And I informed that to my friends instead of fighting with them and using them for my health. Am not very sure how much I succeeded but I’m happy I atleast realised. And I feel next time I will be better at this. Will also inform the people around me to ignore me if I become weird. That way I won’t cause as much harm. And whether I talk to them or not, I still have to go through this.

So, after a while when I started feeling normal after crying and yelling into my pillow, I got up and started my day.

A very hectic day of washing, cleaning, painting, sand papering. I kept my music high along with my spirits. I rode around after all the work when I was exhausted. Had a Ros omelette and chatted with the owner of the outlet.

Now hanging out with the cafe owners over some amazing food, hilarious conversation and crappy music.

So as a treat for this forced positivity, my friend is visiting me tomorrow. I’m very excited and extremely happy 🙂

This Saturday has a silver lining.

Up

I’m so freaking worked up. I can’t sleep. I have noone to talk to. I’m going crazy.

What do I do? How do I stop and just get some sleep?

This is helping… thank you once again writing. Without you I’d have given up long back.

Day 4- A packed life

It’s amazing how once you let yourself be you, you find facets to yourself you never knew existed. You find enterprising skills, social skills, courage, and many other things that you so well hid behind a fake personality that you yourself created, which socially conditioned as it may be, would never be as real and well loved as you can be.

I not just figured out a way to make this space into the cosy place I feel comfortable in, I also started doing things that have scared the bejeeses out of me forever. I went shopping to a local supermarket, got chatting with the manager about tea bags, went scouting with the cafe guys for a space to start another business, cooked, sang, rode around, cleaned… and… I didn’t react badly when a shopkeeper thought my boobs had more to say to him than me. I don’t think lecturing him will change anything. Stopping him will curb it temporarily and then I hope to work at changing the way people are perceived in society. 

I feel comfortable, confident though I’ve put on more weight, relaxed, happy, satisfied. I feel at home.

No, it’s not the place. It’s me. I’m back.

So with a few clothes, my brush, a few essentials and zip pouches in my backpack, I’m ready to set up my nest anywhere. Coz wherever I go, I’ll always be home.

The magic bus

This part of my journey I shall dedicate to Alexander Supertramp. For embarking on the quest to find answers. For inspiring millions. For Into The Wild.

Given where I have reached in terms of dealing with bipolar and with my past… I decided to go explore, experience, enjoy. To try finding my soul before losing it to the corporate world. To give myself a chance to be a writer before giving up on it. So with help from my ex and the remnants of what was once my savings, I’ve decided to go to goa for a couple of months. Hampi, maybe. North East, if I can afford it.

Keeping in mind my goal… to break out of this lazy comfort zone my plush apartment in Bangalore provides me with… I found a studio apartment with a kitchenette and bathroom within my budget. Spoke to a friend who co-owns a cafe there and can work with them for a stipend and food.

So armed with nothing but a spirit of adventure I’m off in 2 days to feel, dance, sing, write, read, walk, see, explore, imagine, accept, understand… to breathe!

Starting today I shall write about each day. Not about the activities like a log. But about something… what I thought or felt or was inspired by.

My Great Goan adventure journal.

Inspiration and Pride

Inspired by the stories I shared, my friend wrote an essay about the voices in my head for a writer’s workshop she is part of. A well written piece it sure was, but what struck me most was the utter confusion anyone who had to live like that would go through. Switching between personalities that leave people around confused. Doing things that leave yourself feeling vulnerable and disgusted. Inability to differentiate between reality and the activity happening inside the head. The non stop conversations and fights within…

It then struck me that despite all this and much more am doing a pretty good job of recovering. Today a play I was rehearsing for and was excited about got cancelled and then my vehicle was damaged by someone and several things went wrong one after another. I was genuinely pissed off. But I kept trying to talk myself into calming down and rationalising things. I cried a bit and was probably off sorts for about a few mins, but on the whole (considering I also havent had any rest since 2 days) I think I did quite a good job.

So, as self obsessed and egoistic as this might sound, am proud of myself. For inspiring someone to write something beautiful and for handling myself this well.

Desperately searching for a hypnotherapist. Got 2 numbers but I havent contacted them yet. I wonder why. Trying to fight an extremely strong urge to go back online to flirt.

Will I succeed? In this war between the voices in my head, who will win? When will this noisy silence end?